The words just seem to be hiding from me. How can I explain myself? There's just this pressure inside of me that is screaming like a teakettle to get out. You don't seem to understand what I feel or how it just seeps from my pores. I am caught in this circle that I swore I would never torture myself with again. But here I am floating in between emotions. Crying is my best friend and sadness is my preoccupation. I can change. I can make myself someone else. Someone I am not. If I try hard enough I can not give a damn, I can ignore this beating in my chest. I will the ice to return to my heart. Let the tears on my cheeks freeze to small rivers. If I try hard enough I can be different. Being me hurts too bad. I will myself to be alone, no matter who I surround myself with. There is always a veil that seperates me from the others in my life. But now that veil has been torn and the warmth coming through is just too much for me to tolerate. This warm fingers tear that hole in my shroud and carress my face. I look into the eyes that have captured me and I see warmth. But I know this is a trick. There is no one who can understand what I feel. It is too much fun to keep people for their uses. When there is no more use for them, discard them. But the heat is such a pleasure. It is like a temptation. Something that I can reach for, but should never touch. But what if it touches me first? What if the pursuit is mutual? Is this still against the rules? The casual touch and seemingly heartfelt fingers. These feelings I cannot ignore. I know that I should, but I have always been a prisoner of my heart. I do as she pleases. This is why I pray for the glacier to engulf me again. Life is so much easier when you can't feel. Over and over I beg to be numb. To not feel those things that make my heart pump wildly. To stop those things which make me cry these tears. To stop this longing that tears at my soul.

What to do? I look and I look and I look again. But it always too high or too far away to reach. I often wonder what is wrong with me, or if there even is. I know that I am not comfortable with the way that I look, but is any woman? Where are you? Where am I? Are we even on the same floor? I know what I want, but do you? I know that you don't know what you want. And if you did, would you say? At this point in my life, I should be able to handle having the different opinion. But I can't. I am just spoiled, that much I know. But maybe I need to know whether I have a different frame of mind. Tell me what you are thinking, tell me what you are feeling. Sometimes you feel so far away, at others you are so near. I hate this feeling, I hate these thoughts. Sometimes I hate myself. I can't say the things that you want to hear. What do you want to hear?

I think sometimes that I have too big of a heart. I care too much for people. And so many times I care too much for the wrong people. Sometimes at the wrong times. Why can't I be more like you? Why can't I learn to not care? If I could just use people for what I can gain, I would be happy. But rather I think I am using them, but only find out later, I cared. At least I found out that I cared beforehand. It doesn't change anything though. If anything it just makes it worse. And it just hurts more. I am so scared of myself. I am afraid that I will say something that doesn't need to be said. I am afraid I will not say what needs to be said.

Why do we have to live life so seriously? Why can't we just do it laughing?
That's where this should be.

fine if it wont let me do anything i will post and then it will be back up

I guess as I start to come back out of my shell, my friends will slowly start to filter back. It seems as though these last few months have been stressful for all concerned. I guess we all owe Worldcom a great big round of applause for forcing us to broaden our horizons. Sir got an interview for a job down at U of A. Cross your fingers for us. But hopefully I am going to fall back into the old way of talking with my friends and gossiping. Oh the good things in life!

I can't help but feel lonely. I have my Sir and he is trying, but there is only so much I can say to him. Not that I can't tell him everything...I can....but there is only so much he really gives a damn about. I miss so many people. I miss Roman......I wish I could find out hwere he is stationed.....I could write and tell him about all the silly shit that happens in my life. But I am scared...I'm not sure exactly what I am afraid of, it feels like everything. There are people out there who have tried to get me to leave the house, but I won't even pick up the phone, much less go out! I am being held prisoner by my front door. I need help.....I guess I just need the right person on the other side of the door coaxing me out. Are we all going through bad emotional times in our life, or am I just illusioned in thinking that it gets better....I had it better for a little while, but now it is worse again. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't cry for what I have lost. Where did they go? What is so wrong with me that I push others away? Why doesn't anyone want to be with me? And my poor Sir....he is illusioned by the farce that I put up. He is happy with me and I have yet to figure out why. I don't think anyone in their right mind would have anything to do with me.

Well...I'm not sure if I am the only one that reads this anymore, and in some ways I don't care. Maybe I sound a little offending, but that is just how I feel....Today is Sir's birthday and I have nothing to give him but the same old pain and aggravation. I have been just barely listening to the news of the day and have found out that one of my friends is in pain also. To him my heart reaches out, and wishes you the strength to go on, and do the things you must. I am alsways there for you, and I hope one day you will ask me into your life again. It was nice to hear from you. Sulis, you haven't posted lately, I hope all is well. As for the rest of the world.......I stick my tongue out at you and hope you go away........

I sit here and think about people that have come into my life, and how I have changed thanks to them, and wonder if there will ever be a chance to have a thought to myself. I hear their voices helping me sort out my problems and worries, but they are not with me. I have never missed anyone as much as I have missed my friends. Maybe I wasn't their friend at all, but if I give a damn about someone, it makes me feel as though I mattered.